do you feel better? do you feel anything.......at all?

Things have been very weird lately. Things at my job are.....shall we say, not exactly my cup of tea. I had some really frustrating music rehearsals for a show I'm playing starting July 12th, and honestly at this point, I don't even want to be playing the show anymore or involved in any of it. I'm tired of the nonsense and bullshit and the way I'm being treated by certain parties at said job, and I'm seriously looking for a new job, but holding on to this one for as long as I can. As far as the show goes, I'm riding it out the next month or so, and after the show's over, I'm not playing any more shows. I honestly wanted to quit Thursday night after rehearsals, but instead I cried into my co-worker's shoulder, and received a lot of hugs from the rest of the cast, and then I cried on the train ride home, cried to my dad, cried myself to sleep, and cried to my mom the next morning. I even told my mom I felt like quitting, but I couldn't, because I don't do that. And she said "you're right. The women of our family never quit. We just take things with a grain of salt, and we make the best of it." So that's what I'm doing....I'm going to make the best of the month, of the 14 shows and 3-day recording session. And then, if I even get invited to play another show, I will politely decline, find a better alternative, or make up an excuse so I don't have to go through the motions over and over and over again.

In other news, I recently had a falling out with a friend, and I'm sad to see our friendship crumble into nothing. I just lost an amazing friend, a super friendship, tons of awesome memories, my sneakers (I left them at her house when I slept over, and I doubt I will ever see them again), and God knows what else. But I'm done fighting, I hate fighting. I've done it before, and it doesn't end well, so whatever. I'm out.

I just don't understand it, though. It baffles me. I'm trying to figure out the secret to my friendship with another one of my best friends, since we've known each other for 18+ years now. There MUST be a secret.

I just want to stop crying. Please, for once, let something good happen. I'm getting tired of crying already.